How to Love Yourself | Part 2

In this episode we dive into part two of the course on learning how to love yourself. If you haven't listened to part one yet, make sure to check that out first—it sets the foundation for today's practical steps. 

In this episode we walk through the science and psychology behind self-love, providing actionable tools to help you shift your thoughts, words, actions, and relationships toward greater self-acceptance. 

If you've struggled with feelings of inadequacy, a harsh inner critic, or thinking there's something wrong with you, this episode will give you the tools to change that narrative and begin developing true self-love.

What You’ll Learn:
✔️ Why self-love is a skill, not a personality trait
✔️ How to rewire your brain for self-love using neuroplasticity
✔️ Thought reframing and self-compassion techniques
✔️ How affirmations work (backed by neuroscience)
✔️ Why setting boundaries is an act of self-love
✔️ How to heal attachment wounds and build healthier relationships

Chapters:
00:00 Introduction and why this course matters
01:31 Self-love is a skill (not a personality trait)
03:15 How neuroplasticity makes self-love possible
04:53 Science-backed strategies for cultivating self-love
05:51 Thought reframing: How to change negative self-talk
07:08 The power of self-compassion
10:35 Why affirmations work (backed by brain science)
12:26 How positive self-talk lowers stress and improves emotional health
15:46 How visualization rewires your brain for self-love
18:21 Why action matters: Self-care and behavioral activation
21:43 Setting boundaries as an act of self-respect
23:55 How relationships influence self-worth
26:41 Letting go of toxic relationships

Resources:

• 👉 Download the 37-page workbook: DOWNLOAD
• Book a free strategy call with me: SCHEDULE HERE
• Follow me on IG: @jerryahenderson

I am grateful you are here,
Jerry

Setup Your FREE Strategy Call:
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Website:
www.jerryhenderson.org

🔗 Access the course "Learning How to Love Yourself" here:

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hello everybody and welcome to the Permission to Love podcast. I'm your host, jerry Henderson, and, as always, I'm so grateful that you're here. In today's episode, we're continuing the course on learning how to love yourself. This is a course that I created to help individuals learn how to have a healthier relationship with themselves by learning how to love themselves, and so this is part two. If you haven't listened to part one yet, I encourage you to go listen to it, because that's going to make this make a lot more sense, because today we're getting into the practical steps that you can take in order to learn how to love yourself. We'll be talking about everything from your thoughts to your words, to your emotions, to the way that you see yourself, your actions that you take and then how you let other people treat you. So I know this episode could be really powerful for you if you're on a journey of learning how to love yourself. If you haven't downloaded the 37-page workbook that goes with this course, I would encourage you to do that. You can simply see the show notes in this episode. If you know somebody who struggles with loving themselves, maybe they're just starting their journey on learning how to love themselves. Maybe they're struggling with things like imposter syndrome, a harsh inner critic, feeling like there's something wrong with them, feelings of self-loathing, or whatever the story is. I know they can benefit from this podcast series on learning how to love yourself, so I want to invite you and encourage you to share it with somebody that you know. So, without any other delays, let's jump into this episode.

Speaker 1: 1:31

So now let's start talking about how you can learn how to love yourself. What are some of the practical things that you can do to start loving yourself? Well, I want to start with letting you know that self-love is a skill. It's something that you can develop. You can develop it as a habit and a lifestyle. You see, here's the thing.

Speaker 1: 1:52

Self-love is often misunderstood as a natural trait that some people simply have and others don't. That's not the truth. Self-love is not an inherent personality trait. It is a skill that can be learned, practiced and strengthened over time. It's like any other skill If you're trying to learn a language, you've got to practice it. If you've got to figure out how to play an instrument, you've got to practice it. Self-love is the same thing and over time, with repetition and reinforcement, it can become a natural and automatic part of your life.

Speaker 1: 2:27

Now, before I move on any further, I want to take a moment and I want to say this to you there is nothing wrong with you If you struggle to love yourself, if you're beating yourself up for not being able to love yourself and you think there's something wrong with you because you don't like yourself and you have low self-esteem, or whatever the story is with you because you don't like yourself and you have low self-esteem, or whatever the story is. I'm going to say it to you again there's nothing wrong with you. You can develop the skill of self-love, and all the ways that you feel about yourself are a lot about what we talked about earlier, those experiences that sent us the message that there's something wrong with us that block us from our own love. Listen, nothing wrong with you, there's no shame in it, and you can learn how to love yourself. So now let's talk about developing self-love.

Speaker 1: 3:15

I want you to understand something about our brains. Our brains have the capacity to change. We can change the way that our brain is wired. Neuroplasticity, or the ability for the brain to adapt and change, means that we can form new neural pathways through repeated thoughts and behaviors. When we consistently engage in self-loving thoughts, actions, words, etc. We are strengthening our neural connections associated with positive regard, making self-love feel more natural over time. I think that is such great news Because, listen, the habit that you have right now of criticizing yourself, beating yourself up, not loving yourself, feeling like there's something wrong with you it's exactly that. It's a habit that got wired in your brain through time, through repetition, through you being in there, telling yourself that story over and over. The good news is, as we begin to let go of that story by choosing this is really important by choosing a new story about ourselves, repeating that story, it's now putting new grooves into our brain, new pathways that are going to feel more accessible and more natural to you over time. And what once felt very familiar to you self-hatred, self-loathing it's going to start to feel foreign to you as you now begin to connect with something that once felt unfamiliar to you loving yourself that now is going to start to feel very familiar to you the brain. We want to say thank you to it for its ability to change through repetition and through intentionality.

Speaker 1: 4:53

Now let's talk about some research-backed strategies for cultivating self-love. Self-love can be nurtured through intentional practices that focus on how we think about ourselves. Our thoughts, how we speak to ourselves, our words, how we see our worth and value, the visualization, engaging in daily behaviors or those actions, and then building supportive connections or supportive relationships All of these are critical to shaping a more healthy relationship with ourself, which can then lead to a healthier self-concept, and then it will foster long-term well-being as we learn to practice these things as ways to show ourselves that we're learning to love ourselves. So how do we start learning to love ourselves? Through our thoughts, through our words, through visualization, through actions and through relationships. All right, so let's dive into the first one our thoughts.

Speaker 1: 5:51

So let's talk about self-loving thoughts and reframing negative beliefs and cultivating self-compassion towards ourselves. So let's talk about thought reframing for self-love. So let's talk about thought reframing for self-love. Cognitive behavioral therapy highlights the importance of identifying and challenging our negative core beliefs to foster healthier self-perceptions. Research is clear on this that we can disrupt our thoughts, choose new thoughts and so reframing distorted thoughts like I'm not good enough into more balanced perspectives such as I'm doing my best, that's enough. That's going to help reduce self-criticism and you have the power to do this. You might think you can't change the way that you think you can. You just have a habit and a pattern of it and you can learn how to change that. And part of it is this reframing process, interrupting it, choosing a new thought and repeating that new thought to ourselves. Alright, let's start talking about how self-compassion can reduce that internal criticism and help reduce our psychological distress and can actually open us up to accessing self-love.

Speaker 1: 7:08

Now the research by Dr Kristen Neff shows that treating oneself with kindness and understanding during difficult times reduces anxiety, depression and perfectionism. She shares how self-compassion involves mindfulness, the ability to observe what's going on with us without judgment and then allowing self-kindness to happen. And then the recognition that our struggles are a shared part of humanity and just because we have struggles doesn't mean there's something wrong with us. Okay, to acknowledge the fact that imperfection is a part of humanity and is a part of being human is a big part of practicing self-compassion. Now research also shows that practicing self-compassion can actually change the way that the brain functions. It reduces activity in the amygdala that fight or flight that we have, the fear and anxiety. It can help settle that down and it also, at the same time, increases activation in areas linked to emotional calm, reason up into the prefrontal cortex, which allows us to manage stress better, to see clearly and to allow ourselves to relax, and to relax in our own presence. Now, with all of that in mind, let's talk about some practical ways that we can apply this Number one practice thought-stopping techniques to interrupt those negative self-talk habits that you have and replace it with more compassionate thoughts or mantras.

Speaker 1: 8:52

What's a mantra? It's basically a phrase that you're going to choose, that you're going to have, that you're going to replace that negative thought with that you're going to say over and over and over in your mind. So, for example, your mantra might be I'm worthy of love. Your mantra might be I'm worthy of my own love. Your mantra might be I love myself. Whatever it is, choose it, have it ready. So when the negative thought comes, you disrupt it and then you replace it with the mantra. Another thing that you can do is use self-compassionate language when you're reflecting on your mistakes, either present or past, and say things like it's okay to struggle, I'm still learning. And that language shift is actually going to have an energy shift inside of your system and you'll begin to notice it. You'll begin to relax towards yourself as you give yourself compassion.

Speaker 1: 9:44

Now the other thing I want to touch on in this space is for you to recognize you're not your thoughts. Just because you have a thought doesn't mean it's true. Think about it. You have all kinds of thoughts. One day you're thinking that everything is going to work out. The next day you're thinking everything is going to fall apart. You can't always trust your thoughts, don't believe everything that you think, and the ability to detach from our thoughts and observe them and not see them as us and not see them as truth, is really important in learning how to practice self-love. All right, let's move on to words. Words are very important and the research shows us that if we can use positive self-talk, it's going to enhance our overall well-being. So research also shows that engaging in self-talk that's positive can significantly reduce stress, as we've talked about before.

Speaker 1: 10:35

Right, you might have a waterline of stress that's really high, and I do this work with my clients where they come in. They've got this really high waterline of stress and they're really struggling on how to manage things, and one of the first things that we start to do is examine how they're talking towards themselves. Are they catastrophizing? Are they telling themselves that you know they're no good, they're going to fail? You see, all that internal conflict that you're having is wrecking your nervous system and it's causing your stress waterline to stay pretty high, and so the smallest thing that comes your way floods it up over your head. And one of the things I often work with people on is getting that waterline to become lower.

Speaker 1: 11:14

And one of the first places that we can start low-hanging fruit is changing the way that you talk to yourself. And as you become more gentle with yourself, more loving towards yourself, you're able to relax in your presence more, you're increasing your capacity for other stressors. You're able to relax in your presence more You're increasing your capacity for other stressors. You're building your resilience and, before you know it, you've got a greater sense of ease and peace because you're self-accepting, you're loving towards yourself. Through the practice of kind words, kind talk, you're getting out of fight or flight against yourself. You're not having to be on guard against you. And that's an important part of lowering your stress is changing the way that you talk to yourself up here and also the words that come out of your mouth, because when you say something, you're activating multiple parts of your system. You're thinking it, you're saying it, you're hearing it. It's all wiring together. So if you want to reduce that stress, you can start by changing the words that you say about yourself. Now the interesting thing research also shows that people who practiced affirming statements actually experienced lower levels of cortisol that stress hormone and it improved their ability to emotionally regulate.

Speaker 1: 12:26

Now let's talk about the science of affirmations, because it is a science, it's not just woohoo. Affirmations work by activating the brain's reward centers, particularly the ventral medial prefrontal cortex, which is associated with self-related processing and valuation. That system is an important part of how we're relating to ourselves and the valuation that we're placing on ourselves and other things. So really important to understand that those affirmations aren't just words. They're activating parts of your brain that are making a connection with rewards, with self-processing and valuation, and this activation helps reinforce positive self-views, making self-love more accessible. You're actually opening yourself to yourself by the way that you treat yourself, when you decide to be more loving in the words that you speak towards yourself.

Speaker 1: 13:25

Now let's talk about some practical application for this Number one. Use daily affirmations such as I'm worthy of love and respect, I accept myself as I am, and here's what I want to encourage you. Practice those when you're in a good state, so that you're building the muscle of them. Okay, because we want to have them ready for when we're trying to replace negative self-talk with neutral or, better yet, positive statements, for example, instead of saying I'm a failure, reframe it as I'm learning and growing from this experience. So there's a couple of things happening here. One, we're practicing the affirmations so that when the bad times do come, we have them ready. And then also our system is getting more used to those affirmations and they're easier for us to say out of our mouth, hearing ourselves say those good things about us. It's becoming more comfortable for us so that when we do get into the negative thinking or negative self-talk, we have something that we already know that we can go to to replace it with.

Speaker 1: 14:28

Now, if you need support on your journey of learning how to have a healthy relationship with yourself by practicing things like self-compassion and self-love, I want to encourage you to set up a complimentary coaching call where we'll spend 60 minutes together getting to know each other and see if working together is a right fit. You can set up that free call by going to my website at jerryhendersonorg. So if you're ready to transform your relationship with yourself, transform the relationships in your life and ultimately transform your life. Then set up that free call, because the truth is, no matter what you're going through, you don't have to go through it alone. You can overcome the burnout that you might have experienced. You can get off of the achievement treadmill, you can learn to love and accept yourself as you are. You can have healthy, life-giving relationships. And here's the truth You're worthy of those things in your life, and part of understanding that we're worthy is letting go of those limiting beliefs, rewiring ourselves and then having support for the journey. So, once again, go to my website or see the resource section and set up your free discovery call. I'm looking forward to hearing about your goals and, most importantly, I'm looking forward to getting to know you.

Speaker 1: 15:46

So now let's start talking about visualization. Visualization is very powerful in learning to love ourselves because it's helping rewire our systems. So what's the research behind this? Visualization enhances self-perception and motivation, and it's used a lot in sports psychology for people to visualize themselves having success, and what it's shown to do is actually increase self-efficacy or the belief that you actually can do something, which is a really important part of being able to overcome things like shame and accessing self-love. And the other thing that it does is. It increases our confidence because, as we see ourselves being loved, as we practice visualization exercises of seeing ourselves succeed, seeing ourselves believing in ourselves, has a powerful impact on our nervous system. Now, one of the things that you can do for visualization is guided imagery, and it's also going to help with emotional healing. Guided imagery can be used therapeutically to promote self-love by helping individuals visualize themselves as loved, accepted and worthy.

Speaker 1: 16:53

The research shows that visualization helps rewire the brain's emotional responses, fostering feelings of safety and acceptance. It's powerful stuff as you visualize yourself being loved, being worthy of love, and then giving yourself your own love. Extremely powerful, guys. It's not just some little practice. Your brain is actually starting to get rewired, which moves us into understanding the role of visualization and neuroplasticity. Visualization stimulates the same brain regions involved in actual experiences, stimulates the same brain regions involved in actual experiences. It's reinforcing positive neural pathways associated with self-worth.

Speaker 1: 17:34

You see, what's happening is your brain's seeing that and it's not making a difference between. Is it happening now or is it just something I'm thinking about? And if you need some evidence on this, just take a moment and think about going and confronting that person that you've been wanting to confront. What happens is you visualize yourself in that conversation. You get a pit in your gut, all these emotions start to rise up, you get a lot of anxiety. You feel really uncomfortable. Well, your brain doesn't know that that's not happening right now. It feels it happening, it's anticipating it and it's also feeling all of that as if it was happening in the moment. We want to use that for the positive in visualizing us loving ourselves Same actual system. We're just doing it in a way that works for us instead of works against us.

Speaker 1: 18:21

Now let's talk about some practical application. On this Number one, engage in daily visualization exercises where you picture yourself thriving, being loved, feeling confident. Use future self-visualization to imagine the best version of yourself so that you can believe in yourself and you can believe that you're worthy of love and good things. And then finally visualize yourself loving all the parts of yourself, yes, even that part that you feel like is so unlovable. Loving that part of yourself and actually visualize you loving you. It's a powerful exercise when you do it.

Speaker 1: 18:58

Now let's move on to start talking about our actions. I always say to my clients your brain wants to see that you believe what you're saying by taking action on it. When you take action on something that you say that you're going to do that, you say that you believe what you're saying by taking action on it. When you take action on something that you say that you're going to do, that you say that you believe in that is sending a signal to your brain that you actually believe it, which is helping embed it into your nervous system. So now let's talk about the role of self-care in mental health, or in our well-being, and in showing ourselves that we're worthy of love. You know, engaging in consistent self-care behaviors, such as proper exercise, nutrition, sleep, relaxation, has been linked to improved mental health and the reduction of symptoms of depression and anxiety. So listen, self-care is not something that's indulgent. It's something that's necessary for us to be at our best. It's something that's really important in us practicing self-love, because self-care is a self-loving action and you're signaling your brain that you believe that you're worthy of love by taking that action.

Speaker 1: 20:03

Now let's move on to another signal that you can send your brain through your actions, which is behavioral activation and mood improvement that that brings about. What is behavioral activation? It's a therapy approach used to combat depression and it encourages engaging in meaningful, value-driven activities to counteract negative emotions. So if you're sitting there and believing that you're unworthy of love and you don't want to do anything and you can't find the motivation to get up and to even take any action at all, this therapeutic approach asks you to take the action that you would take if you weren't in that state. So, for example, sometimes for me, one of the things I'll do is I'll get up and I'll get my body moving. I'll go take a walk, and that's a self-loving action towards myself, because it's exercise and it also allows me to clear my head. And can I say that there was any motivation in me that wanted me to get up and take that walk? Absolutely not Zero, but I knew that if I took the action, I would be signaling to my brain that I believed that I was worthy of good things, and it also allowed me to disrupt the cycle and it was allowing myself to get unstuck right.

Speaker 1: 21:15

I often tell people we don't wait for motivation to show up. We get moving and then motivation catches up. And that's a lot about what this is. When we want to feel a certain way, sometimes what we have to do is start moving in that direction and allow the emotions to change and to catch up, and our brain starts to get the signal that, well, maybe we are okay, maybe we do love ourselves because we're acting in ways that shows us that we love ourselves.

Speaker 1: 21:43

Now another action that's important is setting boundaries as an act of self-respect. Now, the research is clear on this as well, that setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial for self-respect. Because here's the thing if we're letting people walk all over us, we're sending the message to ourselves that we're worthy of being walked over, and then we're not worthy of people respecting our values, and then we're also not teaching people how we want to be treated, and then we're also teaching ourselves that we're okay with being treated poorly. And the research is clear Setting boundaries increases self-esteem. Why? Because it's tapping into our belief in our personal self-respect and that we're worth being honored. Okay, so let's talk about some of the practical applications, about actions. Number one incorporate regular self-care routines that prioritize physical and emotional health. Number two set boundaries with people or situations that drain your energy or diminish your self-worth, and then engage in activities that align with your values or who you want to become, the things that bring you joy. They're going to reinforce your sense of purpose and self-respect.

Speaker 1: 22:53

All right, now let's move on to our next and final piece about the five areas, which is relationships. Relationships are such a key part of learning to love ourselves, and so we want to build supporting and affirming connections. Now let's talk a little bit about the impact of social support on self-esteem. Research consistently shows that social support is a critical factor in mental health and self-esteem. Positive relationships provide validation, encouragement and a sense of belonging, all of which reinforce self-love. That long-term study by Harvard on what causes well-being will say that the one thing, if you have to choose just one thing in your life to have a greater sense of well-being, it's relationships. Now, we also know it can take us in the opposite direction, right? One negative relationship can do a lot of damage, but positive relationships can do a lot to show us that we're worthy of love.

Speaker 1: 23:55

So now let's talk about attachment theory and self-love. Now, the research does show that those early attachment experiences with our caregivers do shape how we view ourselves. However and this is a big however secure attachments in adulthood through friendships, romantic relationships or therapeutic alliances can help repair attachment wounds and foster self-love. So the research shows you're not stuck in whatever attachment style you have If you have an insecure, avoidant or secure attachment style, we're not stuck in that. We can learn how to love ourselves. We can learn how to have healthy connections with other people, and those healthy connections can help us have a healthier relationship with ourselves and open us up to self-love.

Speaker 1: 24:47

Now the next thing that's important in relationships are choosing relationships that are modeling the type of behaviors that we want to demonstrate in our life. Surrounding yourself with people who model self-love and healthy boundaries is going to help reinforce those behaviors in your own life. And we talk about you're the sum total of your five closest relationships, and there's a lot of truth in that. So when we're with people who are constantly negative and they don't know how to love themselves or set up boundaries, that's gonna be a model for us. We're gonna pick up on that consciously and subconsciously and we're gonna perpetuate that behavior in our own life. So the relationships that you have, it's really important that you choose them wisely because, as you see other people do that, it's gonna help. You have the permission to do it for yourself. So now let's talk about how we can actually put this into play, how we can practice this in our life.

Speaker 1: 25:40

Number one cultivate relationships with individuals who uplift and support your growth. Choose okay, begin to choose relationships that you believe are gonna align with who you want to be, what you want to believe about yourself. Because I always say we're choosing what we believe that we're worthy of, and the more that we believe that we're worthy of good things, we're going to start choosing those good things. But we can also start to choose good things as a future, telling towards ourselves that that's what we want to have, that's how we want to feel about ourselves, and allow ourselves to get through the discomfort of being in a healthy relationship. And yes, for people who are used to being in unhealthy relationships, a healthy relationship is going to feel uncomfortable, but with time it's going to start to feel more comfortable to you. The second thing is seek out therapeutic or coaching relationships that provide a safe space for exploring and nurturing self-love.

Speaker 1: 26:41

I often tell people that everybody needs at least one fully disclosing relationship where they can be themselves, where they can be vulnerable and just be who they are and be met with empathy. And I also tell people sometimes you got to pay for that right, because we can't always put that burden on our partner, and then sometimes we don't want to put that burden on our friends, and so we need a place where we can truly be ourselves and be met with love and empathy. It's so important. Now, the next thing that's important is distancing yourself from toxic or draining relationships that reinforce negative self-beliefs, and yes, that includes family. Now, the next thing that's important is distancing yourself from toxic or draining relationships that reinforce negative self-beliefs, and yes, that includes family members, and yes, it includes the ones that are really hard for you to separate yourself from. And yes, you might feel some guilt as a result of it, but here's the truth you don't have to feel guilt in choosing yourself, because as you choose yourself, you become a better version of yourself, and then you're showing up as a better you with everybody in your life. So not only are you doing yourself a favor, you're doing them a favor as well.

Speaker 1: 27:43

Well, we've covered a lot in this course, and so I just want to give a quick summary of what we've gone over so far. Number one we've learned that every one of us is worthy of our own love. You're inherently worthy of your love because you exist. Number two we've talked about how essential self-love is to our overall well-being. We also took a look at the significant challenges that come up in our life when self-love is blocked. We've also learned that self-love is a skill, it's a habit that anyone can develop, and we also took a look at how we can rewire ourselves and learn how to practice self-love by engaging in thoughts that are more loving, words that are more loving, visualization that allows ourselves to see ourselves being loved, taking actions towards ourselves that are self-loving, and then choosing relationships that reinforce our self-worth and help send the message to us that we are worthy of love and that we're worthy of our own love. That's something I really want to emphasize in all of this Be patient with yourself.

Speaker 1: 28:52

This is a process.

Speaker 1: 28:53

It's going to take time.

Speaker 1: 28:55

You're retraining yourself.

Speaker 1: 28:58

That's going to take practice. It's going to take patience, and even if you fall back and you struggle and you find yourself getting back into old patterns guess what? That's not a failure. It's an opportunity for you to practice self-love in that moment, to be compassionate and kind to yourself, even when you're not doing what you think you should be doing right. We have all these shoulds, but I want to encourage you be patient with yourself.

Speaker 1: 29:25

How long have you been carrying that sense that you're not lovable. Give yourself some time. I carried it for 40 plus years, so it took me some time to learn how to love myself, to believe that I was worthy of love and then to start showing myself that I am and always will be worthy of love by the way that I treat myself. I really hope you enjoyed part two of the course around learning how to love yourself. Now, if you want to revisit this course at any time, of course, you can just simply listen to these episodes again, but if you want the video version, you can simply see the show notes in this episode and you can get access to the video version of this course. Well, thank you for joining me for this episode, and I want to remind you, as always, that you are worthy of your own love.