Permission to Love with Jerry Henderson
"Your relationship with yourself determines every other relationship in your life."
When we create a healthy relationship with ourselves, everything in our lives begins to transform.
Join us each week as we discuss topics such as overcoming shame, letting go of limiting beliefs, dealing with imposter syndrome, finding healthy motivators for achievement, transforming trauma, and learning how to practice self-love and self-acceptance.
The Permission to Love Podcast is dedicated to helping people have healthier relationships with themselves and find the permission to fully love and accept themselves.
About Jerry,
“When I realized I was the source of my own suffering, I realized I could also be the source of my own healing.”
Jerry is a Master Certified Transformational Mindset Coach, author, speaker, and host of The Permission to Love Podcast.
He works with high-achievers to help them create a happier, healthier, and more sustainable life grounded in self-acceptance and self-compassion.
Jerry has helped thousands of people have a healthier relationship with themselves and uncover the limiting beliefs keeping them from the life they so deeply desire and deserve.
He uses a combination of transformational mindset coaching, positive psychology, trauma-informed approaches, IFS, and NLP to remove limiting beliefs and connect with their authentic selves.
Jerry has an undergraduate degree in Political Science, an MBA in global business from the Thunderbird School of Global Management, and is currently completing his Master's degree in Psychology at Harvard University.
Before becoming a Transformational Coach, Jerry spent most of his career in Philanthropy, raising over $1 billion USD for not-for-profits. He is a survivor of childhood trauma and now helps individuals learn how to create the lives they want from a place of healthy motivators and remaining mentally, emotionally, physically, relationally, and spiritually healthy.
New episodes of The Permission to Love Podcast come out every Monday.
To learn more about Jerry, find additional resources, or submit a topic or question, check out: www.jerryhenderson.org
You can also connect with Jerry on Instagram: @jerryahenderson
Permission to Love with Jerry Henderson
STOP Repeating Trauma Patterns—Here’s How to Finally Break Free
Have you ever wondered why you keep repeating painful patterns—whether in relationships, self-sabotaging behaviors, burnout, or feelings of never quite arriving?
In this episode we explore the neuroscience and psychology behind trauma reenactment—why we unconsciously repeat painful cycles and how we can break free from them.
You'll learn:
- What trauma reenactment is and why it keeps us stuck in toxic patterns.
- The neuroscience behind trauma loops, including the role of the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex.
- How childhood experiences create unconscious beliefs that shape our reality.
- The role of the nervous system (Polyvagal Theory) in keeping us in survival mode.
- Practical tools for breaking free, including breathwork, grounding exercises, and belief rewiring.
- How to reprogram your subconscious mind and stop self-sabotaging your success, relationships, and happiness.
If you’re ready to rewire your brain, reclaim your power, and build a life aligned with self-love and healing, this episode is for you.
👉 Take my free course, Learning How to Love Yourself: TAKE THIS COURSE
👉 Book a free strategy call: SCHEDULE HERE
Chapters:
00:00 - Introduction: Why You Keep Repeating Painful Cycles
02:17 - Understanding Trauma Reenactment: Why We Repeat What Hurts Us
04:22 - The Science Behind Trauma Loops: How the Brain Keeps Us Stuck
06:09 - How the Nervous System (Polyvagal Theory) Plays a Role in Trauma Patterns
09:17 - The Role of Core Beliefs in Trauma Reenactment
10:36 - Real-Life Examples: How Trauma Shows Up in Relationships, Work, & Self-Sabotage
12:34 - The Truth: You Are Not Broken—It’s Time to Rewrite Your Story
13:19 - FREE Course: Learning How to Love Yourself
15:46 - How Unhealed Trauma Affects Every Area of Life (Relationships, Success, Health)
17:24 - Step 1: Recognizing Trauma Reenactment Patterns
17:51 - Step 2: Journaling & Identifying Your Subconscious Stories
19:23 - Step 3: Breaking the Cycle of Trauma in Relationships & Self-Worth
21:43 - Step 4: Nervous System Regulation & Grounding Techniques for Healing
23:38 - Step 5: Rewiring Core Beliefs & Changing Your Subconscious Programming
25:55 - Step 6: Changing Your Environment t
I am grateful you are here,
Jerry
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Website:
www.jerryhenderson.org
🔗 Access the course "Learning How to Love Yourself" here:
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What if I told you that some of the most painful experiences in your life, those toxic relationships, the self-sabotaging behavior, the burnout, the feeling that you have that you're always chasing something but never quite arriving, or that feeling that you carry that there's something wrong with you what if I told you that all of that might not mean that there's anything wrong with you. It might not be random, it might actually be coming from a script that was written a long time ago, before you had the words to describe it. And what if I told you that breaking free from that is possible, not by force, not by willpower alone, but by understanding the hidden mechanics behind why we repeat what hurts us. Today we're talking about trauma reenactment. What is it, why it happens and how to stop it from running our lives. See, this isn't just a theory. This is neuroscience, this is psychology and, most importantly, this is about your power to change.
Speaker 1:Hello everybody, and welcome to the Permission to Love podcast, where we have conversations on self-transformation, healing and learning how to build a healthy relationship with ourselves by learning how to fully love and accept ourselves. I'm your host, jerry Henderson, transformational coach, author and speaker, and I specialize in topics such as trauma, shame, building resilience, breaking free from limiting beliefs and learning how to love ourselves. Each week on this podcast, we dive deep into the psychology, research and neuroscience of healing, so that you can stop surviving and actually start thriving. So if you're ready to do that inner work, you're in the right place. I just want to take a moment and remind you. If you've not yet had a chance to hit that subscribe or follow button, take a moment to do that so that you never miss out on a new episode. Also, if you're listening on Apple or Spotify, take a moment and leave a review, because it really does help this podcast reach more people, the people who need to hear how they can have a healthy relationship with themselves.
Speaker 1:As we're getting started in this episode, I want to say that this may be something that you're dealing with and you're going to find some hope and some insights in this episode, but it also might be something that somebody that you know is dealing with and it can really help you understand why that individual, that person that you care about, seems to be stuck in a pattern of creating pain, of going back to old habits and all of the things that you look at their life and you wonder why they keep repeating the patterns that are manifesting pain in their life. I think this episode can help you understand that. Now I would caution you to not then go to them after listening to this episode and say, hey look, I've got your solution. I understand why you do the things that you do. We want to be very careful in that we want to make sure that we come with information from a place of love and we want to make sure that the person is open and ready to receive it. So if you know somebody and you begin to understand that this is why those patterns are operating in their life, I just want you to be really mindful and really thoughtful about whether or not to approach them with this information or to maybe just simply share the episode with them so they can begin to process it and work through it themselves. Deal, deal.
Speaker 1:Now I want you to imagine waking up in a maze. You don't remember how you got there, but every time you try to leave, you keep running into the same walls. Your relationships fall apart. The same way, success feels just out of reach. Things like stress, overworking, self-sabotaging they all feel inevitable. What is that maze? That maze is your nervous system running on old trauma patterns. The good news, there's a way out, and today I'm going to give you some insights on how you can start to find your way out of that maze. Okay, I'm really excited about this episode because I believe it's going to really help you on your journey.
Speaker 1:So what is trauma reenactment? Help you on your journey. So what is trauma reenactment? Trauma reenactment refers to that unconscious repetition of distressing or traumatic experiences in thoughts, behaviors, relationships or emotional responses. This phenomenon occurs when unresolved trauma imprints on the nervous system, leading individuals to recreate or be drawn to familiar yet harmful patterns. It's often driven by maladaptive coping mechanisms, unresolved emotional pain or an attempt to gain mastery over past trauma. Trauma reenactment can manifest in self-destructive behaviors, dysfunctional relationships, chronic stress patterns or persistent emotional distress. It's like being caught in that maze or in a loop Different people, different places, but the same pain, the same outcome.
Speaker 1:Why do we do this? Well, let's break it down based on the research. Trauma leaves an imprint on the brain, specifically in the amygdala, which controls fear responses. It also leaves an imprint on the hippocampus, which stores memory, and it has an impact on the prefrontal cortex, which helps us make rational decisions, frontal cortex, which helps us make rational decisions. Studies show, as we've talked about before, that unresolved trauma keeps the amygdala hyperactive, making us see threats where there are none, and this is why we may react to present situations as if they are past traumas all over again, if you're caught in that trauma loop or that trauma reenactment.
Speaker 1:There's a lot of neuroscience that explains why. There's also some other reasons that are really key as to why we repeat our trauma. Number one the brain seeks familiarity. Our brains are wired for efficiency. Seeks familiarity. Our brains are wired for efficiency. If a pattern, no matter how painful it is, feels familiar, feels safe, we gravitate towards it. It's why someone who grew up in chaos might find calmness in unsettling situations. They might create more chaos in their life because it feels familiar and it feels safe. And you might say well, it doesn't really feel safe In your nervous system. We're talking about nervous systems subconscious level. There's a part of you that feels safe in that chaos and so you keep repeating patterns that bring chaos into your life. Now, the interesting thing about this is that our brains don't just release dopamine for things that feel good to us. Okay, that are these reward systems for when we do something that we like. It is also being released in response to certain stressors, and it makes toxic cycles feel addictive to us, and so we get addicted to toxic patterns, toxic relationships, toxic self-talk okay, and that can all be a manifestation of trauma being reenacted in our life.
Speaker 1:Now, another reason that we get involved in this trauma reenactment is because of the repetition compulsion. Sigmund Freud first introduced this idea, suggesting that we unconsciously recreate past pain in an attempt to gain mastery over it. What's the problem with this? Instead of healing the pain, we stay stuck in it. We keep trying to work out our trauma story, thinking that we can get mastery over it, but what we're doing is just keeping ourselves stuck in a cycle of pain. Now, another theory that explains why we get engaged in trauma reenactment is called the polyvagal theory, and it explains how trauma affects our nervous system, and what happens is we shift between three states. We can shift from fight or flight you know that anxiety, panic or freeze, which is when we shut down or we disassociate or we go numb. And then the other category, which is then social engagement, the sense of safety, connection and healing. Now, when trauma is unresolved, we get stuck in survival states those first two right when we're either in fight or flight or we're in freeze and we're unconsciously repeating patterns that reinforce the stress in our system. And once again, this is happening at that subconscious level. Our systems got wired for stress and so now we recreate patterns that cause stress in our life.
Speaker 1:Another reason that we get involved in trauma reenactment is because of our unconscious core beliefs. Childhood trauma can create deeply ingrained beliefs like I'm not worthy of love, success will make me a target. If I relax, something bad's going to happen to me. The shoe's going to drop right. We talk a lot about these core beliefs on this podcast. The challenge is these beliefs become invisible scripts dictating our actions without our awareness. You see, once again, so much of this is operating at that subconscious level and I think it's really important for us to understand that, because that can really help mitigate some of the shame that you feel about the patterns that you repeat.
Speaker 1:Trauma gets stored in the system and it plays it out in our life. We reenact it. We keep putting ourselves in positions for trauma to manifest, for chaos to manifest and for pain to manifest, but once again, healing is possible. Now let's talk about some real-life examples of trauma reenactment Number one, choosing emotionally unavailable or abusive partners, and what's happening in that scenario is we're mirroring our childhood attachment wounds.
Speaker 1:Another thing that can start to happen is we get involved in overworking or self-sabotaging opportunities. Due to unconscious self-worth issues. We feel like we have to either prove ourselves or we don't feel worthy of things, and so we're going to sabotage them out of our lives. Now, another thing that we can begin to do is engage in self-destructive behaviors, and we'll start engaging in maladaptive coping mechanisms such as substance abuse, workaholism, developing an unhealthy relationship with food, and we're doing all of this as a way to numb out past pain. Now, another way this can show up is through seeking dominance or feeling powerless in relationships. And what are we doing? We're creating old power dynamics that we're familiar with, and so if you're in a relationship and you begin to feel threatened and you buck up and you seek dominance, now the opposite of that is feelings of powerlessness in a relationship, that you feel powerless, you don't have a voice, you feel like you got to play small and you let the other person dominate you. And all of these power dynamics in relationships are us acting out those original wounds, those original trauma stories that we feel comfortable with that, to us feel like how relationships operate and we don't know any other way.
Speaker 1:So here's a key question for you what is your pattern of pain? Is it in substances? Is it in relationships? Is it in self-sabotaging? Whatever it is, I want to let you know once again healing is possible. Transformation is possible. Let me ask you something when was the last time you truly felt at peace with yourself? Not just because you accomplished something, not just because somebody else validated you, but because you actually believed that you were enough?
Speaker 1:I want to tell you something you are not broken. You are simply carrying a story that isn't yours, and it's time to change it, and that's why I created a new course I'm so excited to tell you about. It's called Learning how to Love Yourself and, for a limited time, I'm offering this course completely free. It's a research-backed program designed to help you break free from self-doubt, rewire your brain for self-love and finally start shifting the way that you see yourself. This course includes five video sessions and a 37-page workbook filled with exercises, reflection prompts and tools to help you take action.
Speaker 1:So what are you going to learn in this course? Well, number one you're going to hear a little bit about my story and why I do the work that I do. Number two you're going to learn about what self-love is and what it's not. You'll also learn about how self-love gets blocked in our life and the impact of what happens when self-love gets blocked in our life and the impact of what happens when self-love is blocked. And then you're going to learn in a very practical way how you can start developing self-love through rewiring your thoughts, your words, the way you see yourself, the actions that you take and the relationships that you have in your life. And you're going to learn how to tie all those things together to start rewiring your system and move it away from shame and self-judgment towards self-love. I just want to be clear on something what I'm sharing in this course isn't just theory. It's research-based. I share a lot of research in this course and you're going to get practical tools and, as I said, the guided exercises to help you make real change. So if you're ready to jump into this course, you can simply go to my website at jerryhendersonorg or you can see the show notes in this episode. So I encourage you, don't wait any longer. Take the course now, while it's still for free, and start your journey towards learning how to love yourself.
Speaker 1:Now let me just give you a few examples of what happens when we have unhealed trauma in our life and we start to reenact it because it's unhealed. Now, of course, this isn't a comprehensive list, but it's just something that gives you some ideas about what happens when we start to reenact our trauma in our life because it isn't healed, because the truth is unhealed. Trauma does affect every area of our lives and let's break it down. Number one we know it affects our relationships. Attachment theory shows that early childhood experiences dictate adult relationships. So if love was inconsistent, chaos can feel normal to us. And if love was painful, suffering can feel like connection and we get into what is known as trauma bonding. Right, we bond over our trauma or we bond in a way where it feels like the trauma that we experienced. And so if love was painful, suffering can actually start to feel like connection in that relationship and we're reenacting our trauma wounds.
Speaker 1:And the other thing it can impact is our success in life, and when I say success, I'm not just talking about financial, I'm talking about holistic. So how does it limit our success? Well, things like imposter syndrome or the need for perfectionism and this chronic overachievement that we carry are often tied to childhood experiences. And if we've lived in a home or we grew up in a state where our self-worth was based on our performance, then guess what? We're going to get wired to become that super achiever and we're going to try to outrun our story, but guess what? That's going to lead to things like workaholism, burnout, relationship issues, etc. And it's actually going to hinder our success long-term. Now the other thing that happens is we have physical health issues long term. Now the other thing that happens is we have physical health issues. The chronic stress that comes from that trauma reenactment can lead to autoimmune disorders, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, digestive issues due to a dysregulated nervous system.
Speaker 1:Now let's talk about how to break free from this cycle of trauma reenactment so that we can live a life that we truly want. Number one is doing exactly what we're doing right now recognizing the pattern. That is always the first step awareness. We have to identify that we're in a cycle of trauma reenactment. We're replaying the story in our life because our system is used to it and it feels comfortable for us. So you're already taking the first step towards breaking that pattern by listening to this episode.
Speaker 1:Now, the second thing you can do is start journaling about where the same pain keeps showing up in your life. Look for the patterns. Is it in relationships? Is it in your career? Is it in self-sabotaging behaviors? Is it that loud inner critic that never seems to leave you alone? And as you're taking time to journal it, try to connect with the emotions that come up as you're reflecting on those repeated patterns in your life.
Speaker 1:And then go a step further and ask yourself what stories do you tell yourself in those moments? What are the stories that you tell yourself when you're getting in that relationship that you know that you shouldn't get into, or when you're getting ready to act in a way that you know you're not going to feel good about later? What's the story that justifies it? And then, what's the story that you tell yourself after it? You see, our stories are a very powerful thing. Our stories drive almost everything in our life, and we're going to do an episode on this the power of our story and how we can begin to shift the stories that we tell ourselves. But for now, I just want to ask you, as you're journaling this, as you see those patterns that are coming up, what are the stories that surround it?
Speaker 1:Do you have a story that you're unworthy of healthy relationships, so you keep choosing toxic relationships? And then, once you've chosen the toxic relationship, what comes up for you when you're in it? And then what comes up for you when that relationship falls apart? And look for patterns in your current relationships, like what comes up for you when that person stonewalls you or when you feel unsafe in the relationship. What are the stories that start to be told to yourself? And then how do you start to act as a result of those stories? Do you start to get angry and then you act out in anger? Do you start to play small and then you act out in anger? Do you start to play small and hide yourself? What's going on for you in those patterns?
Speaker 1:You see, the awareness of all of this is going to be a key part of the foundation for change. Have you ever felt like, no matter what you do, you're stuck in the same cycles, same doubts, same struggles, same roadblocks? If that's you, and if you're ready for a real transformation in your life, I want to invite you to join my six-month one-on-one coaching program. It's a structured process designed to help you break free from limiting beliefs, help you rewire your mindset and help you create the life that you actually want to live. During those six months, we're going to cover things like healing your relationship with yourself. How can you shift from self-doubt and self-criticism to self-compassion and confidence? How can you rewire your mindset? How can you train your brain for resilience, clarity and possibility? How can you overcome fear and limiting beliefs and break the thought patterns that have kept you stuck for so long? We'll work on releasing those past wounds and rebuilding your ability to trust in yourself. We'll work on creating new habits and patterns so that you can develop daily practices that reinforce your self-worth and your success. We'll work on building a vision and a pathway towards the life that you really want, one that will align your actions, relationships and choices with your future self. I want to be clear this isn't a quick fix. It's deep, lasting change. We're talking about self-transformation from the inside out. So if you're ready to take that first step towards rewiring your mindset and transforming your life, I want to invite you to go to my website at jerryhendersonorg, or simply see the show notes in this episode, and set up a free strategy call so that we can connect, learn more about each other and see if working together is the right fit. Set up that free strategy call. Make this the moment where you make the decision to start showing up for yourself like you've been showing up for everybody else, to start showing up for yourself like you've been showing up for everybody else.
Speaker 1:The other thing that we can do to help ourselves not reenact our trauma is to work on regulating our nervous system. Allowing our nervous system to get out of that chronic state of stress can help us relax, help us feel more safe and we're less likely to start engaging in those trauma patterns. Because, remember, a lot of those trauma patterns are coming from when we get triggered, when we don't feel safe, and so it kicks us into what feels familiar. What was once a coping mechanism that served us it's no longer serving us anymore. Served us, it's no longer serving us anymore. So learning to regulate is a key part of breaking free Practices like breath work, cold therapy, which involves exposing the body to cold temperatures through ice baths, cold showers or cryotherapy.
Speaker 1:You see, the research suggests that when we do that, it's going to reduce inflammation, it's going to calm the nervous system and it also helps increase resilience. So by intentionally exposing yourself to controlled discomfort, like ice baths, etc. You can train your nervous system to handle stress more effectively. Now, another method that can be used is grounding techniques, which help shift the body out of survival mode into a state of calm. So what are grounding techniques? Well, there are things like walking barefoot on natural surfaces, using weighted blankets or engaging in sensory exercises that help reconnect the body and the mind to the present moment, and the research shows that when we do these things, it helps reduce anxiety and helps relax the over-activation of the amygdala of the nervous system, because we're grounding ourselves into the present moment, into our body, and helping ourselves feel safe in the present moment.
Speaker 1:Now, another thing that's important in breaking that loop of trauma reenactment is rewiring our core beliefs. You know, trauma often leaves behind limiting beliefs that we talk about a lot right, and they keep us stuck. Those voices of I'm not enough, I have to prove my worth, there's something wrong with me, I can't trust people. If people saw me and knew me, then they would reject me. And here's the key about these beliefs. These beliefs were learned through past experiences. You were not born with them. They don't have to define your future.
Speaker 1:Challenge them by asking where did this belief come from? Is it true? What evidence do I have that counteracts it or contradicts it? Then replace it with a belief that supports your healing and you might say well, that new story doesn't feel true. It feels like I'm faking it. Listen, it's just training. It's just. Your nervous system has gotten so used to an old story through repeated patterns and repeated actions, and it's okay that it feels uncomfortable. It's okay that it doesn't feel true. It's okay that it feels like you're faking it. That's a normal part of the process of healing and transformation.
Speaker 1:Now, another thing that's important in breaking that loop is changing your environment. Your surroundings influence your mindset, whether you think they do or not. They absolutely do. And if you're surrounded by people who reinforce your old patterns and breaking free from that loop, it's gonna be a lot harder. But if you will instead start to seek out relationships and communities that encourage growth, healing and self-compassion, it's gonna help you more than you can imagine on your journey of getting out of that cycle of reenacting your trauma. Because if you're around the same type of people that are pushing all the same buttons and keeping you in an environment that doesn't feel safe, it's going to keep you stuck in those old patterns and listen. Sometimes the biggest act of self-love is choosing a new environment, new relationships that align with your healing journey.
Speaker 1:Now the other thing that's important in breaking this cycle is to seek trauma-informed healing. Deep healing requires safe, structured support. Modalities such as EMDR, which is eye movement, desensitization and reprocessing, can really help. Some other things that can help are things like somatic experiencing and internal family systems therapy or IFS. All of these things can help you process and integrate that trauma in ways that traditional talk therapy may not. So if reenacting that trauma and those trauma patterns are persisting in your life despite the work that you've been doing, seeking a trauma informed therapist or coach can help you because it can provide you the guidance and the tools that you need to truly start healing. And when we heal the trauma and we begin to heal the nervous system, rewire the nervous system, we don't have to keep replaying the same story over and over. We can find a place of safety and we can break the pattern of continually reacting out our trauma story. So I want to encourage you breaking free from trauma.
Speaker 1:Reenactment is not about working harder or forcing yourself to change. It's about understanding why these patterns exist, building awareness and giving yourself the tools to shift them. Healing is not about fixing yourself. It's about remembering that you were never broken. To begin with, painful things that might have made you feel like you were broken and that there's something wrong with you. Let me just say it again you were never broken. There's never been anything wrong with you. You experienced what would be the normal outcome of abnormal situations. Well, thank you for joining this episode and for being here. I am so grateful for you and I'm grateful that you're a part of this community Now. If this episode helped you, I want to encourage you, share it with somebody who you think could benefit from it. Let's create a ripple effect of rewriting our stories together, of moving away from shame to self-love, of understanding how we can heal our relationship with ourselves by learning how to love ourselves. And, finally, I want to remind you, as I always do, that you are worthy of your own love.
