Best of Series | The Impact of Trauma on Our Ability to Think Positively

In this series "The Best of the Permission to Love Podcast" we revisit one of the most impactful episodes The Impact of Trauma on Our Ability to Think Positively." 

This episode delves into the roots of negative thinking, clarifies the difference between authentic positivity and toxic positivity, and outlines practical steps to retrain the brain toward a healthier, more uplifting mindset. 

We also discuss the importance of acknowledging our emotions, addressing trauma responses, and learning to feel safe in the present moment so that positive thinking can emerge naturally. By the end, listeners gain actionable tools such as writing down three positive things each day and practicing gratitude to reshape their mental patterns.

Key Topics Covered:

• Understanding the impact of trauma on positive thinking
• Differentiating between toxic positivity and genuine positivity
• Overcoming survival-based negative thought patterns
• Using visualization and self-observation to manage intrusive thoughts
• Building new neural pathways toward a positive mindset
• Incorporating daily gratitude and emotional engagement
• Embracing compassion, patience, and self-love on the healing journey

Timestamped Chapters

00:00 – Introduction & Overview
01:14 – Defining Positive Thinking: What It Is and What It Isn’t
02:15 – The Power of Positive Thinking & Influence on Well-Being
02:49 – Focus, Attention & Energy: How Thoughts Shape Outcomes
03:28 – Judgment, Manifestation & False Positivity
04:42 – Clarifying Concepts: Authentic Positivity vs. Toxic Positivity
05:11 – Finding Unique Solutions: Tailoring Practices to Your Needs
06:29 – Allowing Emotions & Not Getting Trapped in Negativity
08:32 – Studies on Realism, Optimism & Happiness
09:59 – Honoring Reality While Cultivating Positivity
10:34 – Embracing Gratitude & The Present Moment
12:48 – Trauma’s Impact on Positive Thinking & Survival Mechanisms
13:24 – People-Pleasing, Impostor Feelings & False Positivity
15:19 – Catastrophizing & Survival-Driven Negative Patterns
16:41 – Anticipating the Worst & Struggling to Relax into the Present
18:26 – Negative Self-Perception & Trauma Response
19:37 – Reclaiming Control: You Are Not Your Thoughts
20:58 – Creating Safety & Rewiring the Nervous System
23:19 – Overcoming Red Alert Mode & Allowing Positive Thinking
24:11 – Assigning Your Brain a New Job: Looking for the Positive
25:11 – The “Blue Car” Effect & Redirecting Attention
26:17

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Jerry

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Transcript

Jerry Henderson: 0:00

Hello everybody and welcome to this episode of the Permission to Love podcast. I'm your host, jerry Henderson, and, as always, I am so, so grateful that you've taken time out of your busy schedule to invest in yourself by listening to this podcast. Now, today, we're going to do something a little different than I've done before and we're going to revisit some of the older episodes of the Permission to Love podcast. Over the next month, I'm going to be resharing the top four podcast episodes of all time. As a part of doing this podcast, I often get messages from the listeners, and some of the messages I get are what are the top episodes that they should listen to or that they should begin with as a part of engaging with this podcast. I thought I'd make that easy for you and just go ahead and repost the top performing or the most impactful podcast episodes that I've done so far. Now, in today's episode, we're revisiting the episode on the impact of trauma on our ability to think positively. This was a very powerful episode. Many of you gave me so much feedback about it. So I hope you enjoy this journey of going through some of the most impactful episodes of the Permission to Love podcast, and I hope you enjoy today's episode.

Jerry Henderson: 1:14

So let's go ahead and get into today's episode, which is around positive thinking. As we talk about positive thinking, I want to go through a few things. One what it is not. Two a few thoughts around what I think it is. Number three how can trauma, or how has trauma, affected our ability to think positively? Number four how can we begin to heal that part of us that thinks negatively as a survival mode, as a protection mode, and then begin to shift our brains to think more positively?

Jerry Henderson: 1:44

There's been so many books written about this, all the way back from Norman Vincent Peale around the power of positive thinking. Books like the Power of the Subconscious Mind. Proverbs talks about as a person thinks. So they are. There's the book Think and Grow Rich. There's just so much content and material around all of this. There's research by John Hopkins University that says that people who have a positive outlook are one-third less likely to have a heart attack or other cardiovascular events.

Jerry Henderson: 2:15

So I'm one who absolutely believes in the power of positive thinking. I know that the negative inner talk can be so destructive. I know about the stress of waiting for the shoe to drop, not being able to enjoy the present moment because of seeing or anticipating what all potential negative things can happen, and those are all survival mechanisms that we'll get into later. But I do believe that what we think about is who we become, and what we focus on is who we become, and what we focus on is where we are going to go. Just like in skiing or driving or riding a bike.

Jerry Henderson: 2:49

What you look at, what you give your attention to, is where you're going to go, and it really becomes our energy. You can feel this with people right, people who have a negative thought pattern. You get around them and there's this negativity that seems to be there and those who think positively. When you're with somebody who has a more positive mindset or a more positive outlook, you can feel that energy. Versus somebody who has a negative outlook or a negative mindset, you can feel that energy as well, and what we do is we wind up attracting to us the people and the environment and the outcomes in our life based around what we're thinking, what we're giving our attention to.

Jerry Henderson: 3:28

So there's just so much to this, but there's also a lot of judgment that we give towards ourselves about how we should be thinking positively or what does it mean to think positively. There's a lot around the topic of manifestation and what you give your attention to is what shows up in your life. Absolutely believe that. Believe, that's true, but there's also sometimes some judgment that goes with that, and there's some false positivity that goes with that, and then we really begin to beat ourselves up for not thinking positively enough, which is negative thinking. So we're going to unpack a lot of that in this episode, but just be aware, I'm absolutely 100% committed to positive thinking. I'm 100% a believer in the power of positive thinking. I just think that sometimes we don't understand the impact that trauma has made in our ability to think positively. I also think that sometimes we begin to judge ourselves for not thinking positively enough, instead of beginning to look at what are some of the reasons why we don't think positive, why we're prone to think negative, and begin to heal that so that our brains can begin to flow more naturally towards positive thinking. So let's talk about what it is not.

Jerry Henderson: 4:42

Now, once again, these are not definitive statements that I'm making. These are just things that have worked for me. So I'm just sharing with you as I went on my journey to figure out what was going to work to heal my own life. Some of the struggles I had were certain concepts that just weren't working for me and I had to figure out how they would work for me in my unique situation. So each one of you are going to have to take this stuff, learn what works for you and apply it in a way that serves you, without judgment and without shame.

Jerry Henderson: 5:11

We'll often hear things and think, well, I need to apply that to my life, but we find that it doesn't really work for us. And then we shame ourselves but we keep trying to force ourselves into that bucket or that self-help method and it's not producing anything. And then we feel bad about ourselves because we might be the only one who this self-help practice isn't working for us. Listen, we're all different. We're all going to need our own unique solutions. Just like when I was in rehab, there was the camp who said, hey, you have to do the 12 steps. And there was a camp that said, no, you have to do the practice of mindfulness and spiritual practices, or well, no, you have to do this more scientific approach and looking at it this way, and the brain chemistry. And for me I said, you know, I think I'm going to use a little of this and a little of that and kind of cobble all of that together to see what works for me, because I'm a unique individual and I'm not going to shame myself for practices that just don't work for me and I'm trying to force fit. There's a lot of freedom when we begin to realize that we don't need to force fit practices into our life. We need to find what works for us, be okay with that and then really begin to heal as a result of applying it in a way that really serves who we are and our unique journey. So what is it not?

Jerry Henderson: 6:29

Positive thinking is not toxic positivity, the sense that you need to say that everything is positive, that you need to somehow make everything that's happened a positive thing or always find the positive in every situation. I don't believe that. I don't think that the trauma that I experienced, or other people experienced, was positive. I'm not going to sit here and say, well, that was a good thing that happened, because now I can sit here on this podcast and talk about how people can move past some of these things of trauma, shame, addiction and learn to love themselves. Listen, I can say that, yes, there's good coming out of it, but the acts itself or the events themselves were not good. I'll never say that they're good. Yes, there are good things that are now beginning to happen, because I've chosen to take that story and do a work of alchemy and make it into something good.

Jerry Henderson: 7:24

But the events themselves were not good and we need to allow ourselves to feel the full range of emotions that we have. It's okay to feel angry, it's okay to be upset, it's okay to be sad, it's okay to have all of those things. And if we don't allow ourselves to feel those emotions and have those experiences, we're going to wind up in a worse state because we're suppressing things and those things are going to come out eventually, and when we suppress them, they usually come out in unhealthy ways. So the challenge is that we get stuck in those negative emotions sometimes. Yes, it's okay to feel them. Yes, we need to honor them. We do not want to ignore them, we do not want to suppress them, but we also do not want to get stuck in them. We don't want to get trapped in them, which is what trauma has often done to us. It trapped us into certain ways of thinking and now we need to learn how to get out of that way of thinking by healing the parts of us that had that as a coping mechanism. It's also not about ignoring reality.

Jerry Henderson: 8:32

The University of Bath and the London School of Economics and Political Science did some research around this and they were looking at pessimists, realists and what they called unrealistic optimists and they found that unrealistic optimists really didn't have any higher states of happiness than realists or pessimists. That actually realists had a higher state of happiness and a higher state of positivity than pessimists or unrealistic optimists. And the reason for this is that unrealistic optimists they have these ideas of how things should turn out or how things should go, and when it doesn't go that way, they get double disappointed, because it's not only disappointment about the situation, it's disappointment that their optimism didn't make the scenario go the way that they wanted it to. They also did note that pessimists were some of the worst in that situation because they just constantly saw the bad and that constant dread of expecting the worst would overtake the positive emotions from doing better than what they expected. So when a situation turned out better than what was expected, that overwhelming sense of expecting the worst just wouldn't let anything positive come in. But the realist who could look at the situation, assess it for what it was and make decisions off of data, and then begin to look at the situation positively and begin to find ways that positive things could come from. This were the ones who benefited the most from positive thinking.

Jerry Henderson: 9:59

So, once again, this isn't about denying reality. This isn't about putting our head in the sand. It's about looking at situations the way that they are, honoring our emotions, honoring our experiences, and then beginning to find ways to have a positive mindset and have positive thinking even in the face of those things, and then begin to find ways to see it in a way that serves us and in a way that gives us hope and a way that gives us an ability to see how this can turn into something positive. So, with all that in mind, I want to talk a little bit about what I think positive thinking is.

Jerry Henderson: 10:34

So, for me, positive thinking is about how am I going to use my mental capacity in a way that serves me, brings healing to me and leads me towards the life that I want. It's about acknowledging the power that I have to assign meaning to what happens in my life. It's about believing and hoping for the best outcome. It's about seeing the good that surrounds me on a daily basis. That good is all around us, and sometimes we've gotten so focused on looking for the negative as a survival mechanism that we're missing the positive that's around us each and every day. It's about thinking positively about myself. How do I view myself and how can I not see myself only negatively, but also positively? It's about enjoying the present moment and embracing it without the thought in the back of my mind that the shoe is going to drop at any moment and things are going to turn bad.

Jerry Henderson: 11:38

It's all of that with the practice of gratitude, being thankful for what's showing up in my life, because I'm a firm believer that the practice of gratitude not only allows us to see things that we can be grateful for, but it also attracts more things in our life to be grateful for. So if all that goodness is there, and all that goodness can come from positive thinking, you might be asking why is it so hard? And as soon as I said that, some of you might be thinking well, it's so hard because you think it's so hard? Well, it could be. But I also know this that trauma does have an impact on our ability to think positively, and honoring that and acknowledging that and naming that, I believe, can help us begin to heal the parts of us that use negative thinking as a defense mechanism and as a survival mode and then can allow us to let go of some of that so that positive thinking and positive outlook and a positive mindset can become easier for us. So let's talk about the impact of trauma on positive thinking.

Jerry Henderson: 12:48

Now I want to acknowledge that not all negative thinking has to do with trauma. Some of negative thinking or risk management is just human survival to try to predict what might happen, what might be the worst case scenario in this situation and looking for what could go wrong, just as a pure survival mechanism. But the challenge is when we get trapped in it and we get stuck there and we get frozen. There's a part of us that got frozen there because we had to use it as a trauma survival mechanism. So let's talk a little bit about how that trauma impacted our ability to think positively.

Jerry Henderson: 13:24

Well, one for many of us. We had to act like everything was okay, which led to people pleasing, which led to feeling like an imposter, because you're walking around knowing what's going on back home or knowing what's going on in your environment and then you're having to show up in this world like everything's okay. You have a lack of integrity. Now, I'm not talking about the kind of integrity that you're not true to your word, but the idea that integrity comes from the root word, integral, or a sense of wholeness, to be integral or to have wholeness inside. So walking around like everything is okay when we know that it's not, and trying to pretend like our lives are okay as young children or in abusive relationships, or trying to put on this facade which leads us to the sense of falsehood or the sense of being a fraud. Listen, this is a survival mechanism of trying to act like everything is okay and, for many of us, being put in the situation where we were forced to act like everything was okay or there'd be more consequences if we didn't act that way. What this does is it confuses us between what is actually positive thinking or positive representation versus the reality that we know is happening inside of us and happening in our environment, and so that distorts our ability to act positively. It just doesn't feel right anymore and it feels like a fraud and it feels like an imposter. So our relationship with positivity and our relationship with a positive mindset or a positive appearance feels fake to us because we associate it with those times where we had to act that way, when we knew that that wasn't true and we had to do that in the space of trauma. And so now we associate that with positivity and we don't want any part of it. We don't want to be fake, we don't want to be a fraud, but the reality is you're not being a fake, you're not being a fraud when you're looking for the positive in your life.

Jerry Henderson: 15:19

The second impact is that you catastrophize things and of course, you do that because you had to do that as a survival mechanism. You had to anticipate what could go wrong. What is the worst case scenario? That if I do this, then will the person act this way? What if I do that? Well then, I not get into a trouble or not be abused. So this catastrophizing thinking of thinking about what could go wrong was simply a survival mechanism. You were trying to survive and your brain was trying to figure out all the ways that things could go wrong. In this scenario, what's the worst thing that could happen, so that you could prepare yourself mentally, emotionally and in every other way, and that you could also begin to find survival mechanisms that might keep that thing from happening. That if I just behaved this way, then maybe it won't happen. Or if I behave that way, this way, then maybe it won't happen. Or if I behave that way, then maybe it won't happen. And so the catastrophizing thinking got wired into our systems and now it's really hard to let go of that because we're used to expecting the worst to happen, which then leads us into number three of the. When is the shoe going to drop? Thinking Things might be good right now. Is the shoe going to drop? Thinking Things might be good right now, but bad things are coming.

Jerry Henderson: 16:41

You got used to a cycle of everything feeling okay and then all of a sudden things went bad. I know I got used to that. The person seems chill. Right now, everything seems to be okay. You never knew when that might change. It could just change in an instant. All of a sudden, everything's chaos. So the ability to relax into the present moment. Without this anticipation that the shoe's getting ready to drop, you can't enjoy life, you can't enjoy a relationship, you can't enjoy a moment because you're waiting for it to go bad, because your system and my system got trained that way from a very young age, that when things are good it's temporary and something bad is getting ready to happen. So I'm on alert. I'm not able to relax or ease into the moment. I have to keep my guard up.

Jerry Henderson: 17:31

All that keeps me in a state of negative thinking and the inability to enjoy the present moment and the trauma also causes you to focus in on what's negative about yourself, because you're constantly examining your behavior and when you do certain things that gets you in trouble or when you do other things that keeps you out of trouble. So you're constantly looking at your behavior and whether or not it's going to upset somebody and you criticize yourself as a defense mechanism to say you need to stop being this way, because when you do that, that gets you into trouble. You need to stop being this way, because when you do that, that gets you into trouble. You need to stop acting this way, and so that inner critic begins to come alive, as we talked about in one of the other episodes. So the space of negativity about yourself and finding the things about yourself that are negative or wrong really is a survival mechanism, because you're trying to keep the peace and you're trying to stay safe and you're constantly judging and criticizing your behavior.

Jerry Henderson: 18:26

So, once again, a trauma response that gets you into negative thinking, even about yourself, because you're trying to figure out how can you stop doing the things that seem to be upsetting people, or what's wrong with you that you continue to experience this abuse and this trauma which leads us into the final thing, which is that sense of you're waiting to get what you think you're worthy of. If trauma breaks or fragments our relationship with ourselves, leads to shame, which says that I'm unworthy of love, that there's something wrong with me, then this negative thinking begins to enter into our brain around what we think we are worthy of, which we think we're worthy of bad things. If there's something wrong with us, there's a fundamental core belief there. So a lot of the negative thinking is anticipating and waiting for us to get what we think that we're worthy of, that when we have good things as we talked about in the self-sabotaging episode, that when we have good things, we don't think that we're deserving of them, and so our mind continues to cycle around thinking about how long is this going to last and when will I actually get what I deserve? So how can we begin to train ourselves to think positively.

Jerry Henderson: 19:37

Let's go back to the thought that you are not your thoughts, they are not in charge of you. I know it seems like they are, and our thoughts have a massive impact on us. They impact how we feel, they impact how we see ourselves, how we view life, how we view others. But if we can switch to be the observer of our thoughts and realize that we have control over our thoughts and as soon as I say that, you might think well, no, I don't, because my thoughts begin to get obsessive and they begin to get out of control. But I want to encourage you. You do have the ability to have control over your thoughts, and one practice that you can do is just take a moment when your mind is racing and all these thoughts are happening. Just sit down for a moment, take a few deep breaths and begin to observe the thoughts, just watch them, and then I want you to begin to connect with the person who's watching the thoughts versus the thoughts themselves. And what that does at least what it did for me is it shifted me from a sense of powerlessness over thoughts arising and spinning up to a sense of the reality that I'm the one who observes those thoughts, who can then choose to have a different thought in that moment, to begin to replace them.

Jerry Henderson: 20:58

So, once again, it's not that we don't have control over our thoughts or the ability to choose our thoughts. Those thoughts have just gotten deeply grooved into our brain. We have a certain type of thinking that is deeply grooved into our brain, just a highway. It's like when you drive home from work and you get home you're like how did I even get here? Your brain's on autopilot because it already knows the way and it's just functioning because of those grooves, those neural pathways that just are there. It's the same thing with negative thinking. It's just a highway that your brain gets onto and it's not that you don't have control, it's just about building new grooves or new highways.

Jerry Henderson: 21:37

Now, the second thing that's important, especially for people who have experienced trauma and learning to think positively, is the realization that you are safe. Now You're not in that environment anymore. You're no longer that child who's been in that situation and you are safe. But the reality is your body doesn't believe that you're safe. Still, your brain doesn't believe that you're safe. It's been wired to believe that we're in an unsafe situation and so, as a part of negative thinking. Our brains are continuing to look for the negative that can happen. So we have to reassure ourselves that we are safe, that we are adults now who are no longer in that situation, and we need to begin to train our minds to begin to feel safe, to begin to train our bodies to begin to feel safe in this present moment. And there are visualization exercises that we can do to do that. We can sit with ourselves, we can see ourselves in this present moment. We can visualize ourselves as an adult who is now safe, who can care for that child, who can go to that part of ourselves who felt so unsafe, that felt so insecure in that environment, and begin to love that part of ourselves and begin to provide safety for that part of ourselves. This is a lot about the rewiring for those who've experienced trauma rewiring the nervous system. There's a lot of resources around this as well Somatic therapy, ifs or internal family systems, trauma-informed therapists who can provide a sense of safety so that we can begin to allow our bodies and our systems to relax.

Jerry Henderson: 23:19

Because as long as we're on red alert, as long as we're wired to think that something's going to happen and that we're not safe, our brains are going to continue to look for the negative. The brain is going to continue to look for the shoe to drop, and so it's going to be very difficult to get into a practice of positive thinking while your nervous system feels that way. And for some of you listening to this, you've wondered why you've had such a challenge of thinking positively or having a positive mindset and you just keep defaulting back to this negativity and this catastrophizing thinking. It's because your system doesn't believe you yet that it's okay to let go of that type of thinking. But if we can do the work to provide our systems with a sense of safety, that negative thinking can begin to fall away more naturally. So once we've done that, we've realized we're not our thoughts, we begin to provide a safe environment for ourselves.

Jerry Henderson: 24:11

The next thing we want to do is tell our brains that they have a new job. I know this may sound strange, I know it may sound corny, but what we're doing is we're telling our brain that hey, now that we're safe, I want to give you a new job. You've been exhausting yourself, you've been trying to look for all of the negatives that might be happening. You've been catastrophizing, waiting for the shoe to drop. Now I want to give you a job to look for the positive. I want you to say that to yourself out loud. And then I want you to feel what it would feel like to have your brain have the job of looking for goodness in your life and positivity in your life. I mean, imagine what it would feel like if your brain was wired to see positive things in your life, to look for the good. I bet it'd feel a lot better than always looking for the negative or feeling what negative things might come up in your life. So lean into that feeling, as you're imagining giving your brain the job to now look for what's positive.

Jerry Henderson: 25:11

Think about it this way when you buy a new blue car, all of a sudden, everywhere you look, you see that blue car. You didn't see it before, but now all of a sudden, it's everywhere. Right, it's that filter that we have in our brain that as soon as something becomes important to us, we see it everywhere. This is what we're doing by giving our brain permission, or giving our brain a new job, to look for the positive, because your brain is going to look for what you said is important to you to look for. So when you say that it's important now for me to begin to look for the best things, for the positive things, your brain is now going to begin to try to find positive things in your life, positive things about you, positive things about your situation. And simply by acknowledging the fact that you want to look for the positive and you're telling your brain now to look for it just like it started looking for, almost subconsciously, all these blue cars and begin to find them everywhere your brain, just by shifting it and saying now we're going to look for something positive, will begin to find the positive things in your life.

Jerry Henderson: 26:17

So the last thing I want to talk about on today's episode is actually a practice that we can do. We've recognized that we're not our thoughts. We're beginning to create a safe environment. We're giving our brain a new job and since it has that new job, let's put something practical to it that reinforces to the brain that we're doing this. By finding three things each day that are positive and by committing to finding these three things each day that are positive, once again we're activating our brain to be actively looking for things. So either in the morning or halfway through your day, or in the evening, depending on what type of person you are.

Jerry Henderson: 26:54

I want to encourage you to write down actually write them out three things that are positive about your life or that have happened, positive that day. And so write them down and then say thank you with emotion. Say thank you for those things and have emotion attached to it, because I've talked about before and you'll hear me talk about a lot that thought with emotion is the most effective way to rewire our thinking and our belief system. It is actually what wired your thinking and your belief system about the negative things, and so we're just using the exact same thing to now begin to wire it towards the positive. Because think about it this way when you ruminate on something negative, when you sit there and you think about it over and over, emotions begin to come up. You visualize it and then you begin to get those emotions that say, well, I wish I would have done it this way, I wish this didn't happen. So all of these things begin to happen, right, these emotions begin to bubble up inside of you. As you play it over and over and you ruminate over it, you're having thoughts and emotions and it's beginning to wire it deeply into your system. So we're just going to do the same thing for the positive.

Jerry Henderson: 28:08

Really, when we disempower negative thinking as simply something that got wired into us and a habit, it really does free us to realize that it's not who we are. It's a habit, it's what came to us as survival mechanisms and now we don't need that same survival mechanism. So we're going to learn to train our brains to think positively, because our brains can be trained and they want to be trained in a way that serves us the best and in the way that we tell our brain that we want to be served and what we tell our brain is important to us. So we're going to write it down, we're going to look at it, we're going to say it out loud, we're going to say that we're thankful for each one of those things that happened and we're going to feel emotion around that thing that we're giving thanks for, and doing that every day. We'll begin to train our brain to do the thing that we've given it permission to do, and that's to look for the positive in our life.

Jerry Henderson: 29:08

So please be gentle and patient with yourself in this process. You're not going to do this overnight. It's not going to happen overnight. You're going to cycle back into negative thinking. You're going to get lost back into that catastrophizing thinking. That's natural because you're retraining yourself. But be gentle with yourself. You can do this. You are not the only person on this planet that's not going to be able to figure out how to think positively and how to give yourself the gift of seeing the goodness that's in your life every day. I know it feels like it at times, but I want to encourage you that if I can do it and others have done it, you're not alone. You'll be able to do it.

Jerry Henderson: 29:47

I hope today's episode was valuable to you, that you gained some insights that are useful for you on your journey. If you did, I just want to ask that you would rate it, review it and, most importantly, that you would share it with somebody else, because you never know the impact that it can have in their life. And finally, don't forget to subscribe, because that'll let you know when new episodes are coming out. I want to encourage you as well that if you do need more resources, you can find me on jerryhendersonorg. That's my website. You can also find me on Instagram at jerryahenderson. Feel free to reach out to me there. Send me a message I'd love to hear from you. I'm really grateful that you're here and please don't forget you are worthy of your own love.